Sunday, May 27, 2012

What am i supposed to do?

My life

to start, it's likely not that much different than yours, im an average guy working in an average job and i have an average girlfriend.

Sometimes weeks pass and nothing really special happens, they just fly by without any attention given to them. I guess thats what happens when you work a factory job.

Other times, the weeks pass by so slowly and so excruciatingly that I can hardly stand them.


Today is one of THOSE days, the days where I don't want to go on in my life as it is, a day when I want to just stop everything im doing and give up. I know i wont, mostly because i cant, but it doesn't stop me from *really* wanting to.

I've never been suicidal, i wouldn't even dream of it, I have too many people in my life that love me, but its more than that.

I love them, I could not hurt them in that way, ever. and thats not why im making this post anyway, im making this post to let loose the fear, nervousness, anger, frustration, pain and other emotions that I have right now.

Let me put things into perspective, at this point I couldn't give a shit less what other people thing about me.

I am currently 21 years old, my girlfriend is 17

If you think thats wrong, wait until you hear this.

I met my girlfriend when i was about 13 (making her 9)

You know that thing they call love at first sight? well, I had it, even if I didn't know back then, it grew from there over the years as our parent were together almost all the time, meaning that her and her brother were over at our house for babysitting.

We played and we talked, the 4 of us (my little brother, her little brother, her and I).

6 or so months ago I decided I would talk to her about my love for her, and I did. To my surprise she had remembered that I liked her from so long ago, she said she still liked me too.

I had planned on just talking to her, in emails, until she was 18, then I was going to date her if she still wanted to, but she had bigger plans, she asked her mom if it was ok.

Her mom said yes, she said YES to her 16 year old going out with a 20 year old, I was insanely happy, my life was looking up.

I had just gotten a new job, now I had a new girlfriend and my car was being fixed, what else could I want? thats easy, nothing, I was content as I was.

Let me stop here for a moment and tell you this, I thank her mom, this has to be the happiest point up till now in my entire life, the love of my life (for 7 years) was now my girlfriend and there was nothing in the world that could make me happier.

I thank her mom, for allowing me to have that joy.

As time went on i started to learn thing, bad things about the way her family worked, some of it was normal, some of it made me sick, and some of it made me angry.

that continued (and still continues) to today, I won't list any of those things here, but just understand that when I talk about them I get so upset that I really want to hit something.

This brings me to yesterday and today.

Yesterday my girlfriend and I went out and walked in a local nature center, we had fun, we then proceeded to my fathers house and did our usual routine, relaxing and comforting each other, allowing ourselves to enjoy a mostly stress free environment.

My perfect day, making my girlfriend happy then spending the entire day with her while she is happy.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING makes me happier then seeing her happy.

Then comes today, her mom said she had to be home for her family cook out at 5, which I dont mind, before we were allowed to go anywhere we had to get firewood for the fire from the woods, once again, i didnt mind.

I got there around 11 and we did a few things then we went to get the wood with her little brother, there was not really any wood that was a reasonable size in the area that they are allowed to walk in in the woods...

actually, I should have mentioned this earlier, but ill do it now instead

their mom is a controlling person, she has sheltered her kids for their entire life, going so far as to pull them out of public schools  (and put into home schooling), they arent allowed to go ANYWHERE outside a few houses on their street, my moms house and the library, basically no communication with other kids (especially not heather, she knows very few people her age, the ones she does know she met at summer camp) you want to know why? I know why, and as much as i WISH i could tell you I wont, because i promised my girlfriend i would not tell anyone. sorry.

anyway, she wont let them go anywhere on their own (my 17 year old girlfriend is treated like a 12 year old, literally)

so back to the main point, in the area we were allowed to go there were twigs and long ass logs, we gathered up as much of the twigs as we could and took them up, her mother complained that they were not big enough and she was right, so I asked if i could borrow an axe to cut up the wood that was down there and bring it up in the cart.

the BITCH said no, we have to DRAG them up a 45* slope for 30 feet to get them up to the backyard so they can cut them up there.

I said ok, and went to get my gloves out of my car, I was unhappy but not to the point where i was angry or anything, more like "wtf?"

when i got back her mother said "forget it" and something about us whining and complaining so we may as well not do it.

BY THE WAY her mother and her aunt later tried to drag them up the hill and ended up resorting to bringing the chainsaw down to cut them up, but she STILL complained later that we wouldn't drag them up.

So, at this point its a bad day, but not *too* bad, we were able to go to my mothers till 4:30 and came back for the cook out, not a lot took place there, afterward my mother made a suggestion that ruined some plans we had, but it wasnt a big deal because she didnt know we had them.

When her mother and my mother got back from going wherever the hell it is they went, Her mother started talking about what were going to do the next day (note this is a holiday AND the kids are HOME SCHOOLED).

she said that they were going to treat the day like a school day and that heather had to be home by 4 (she works 11:30 to 2), i immediately started to get upset, and rather then stay there and cry i immediately said my goodbyes and left, heather later got in trouble for stupid shit and got her only source of communication with me taken away.

I later found out that me not wanting to cry there somehow pissed her mother off even more and she said that i have to leave by 5

She knows that when she does stupid shit it makes me cry.

I've thrown up 4 times since i got home an hour and a half ago.

I cant live with this stress, I cant handle the pain that her mother seems to purposely put me through.

but I cant leave heather

im torn so thin from this stress and other stress that I don't know what I can do.

After I got home today I called heather up (on the house phone since heather lost her communication device) and talked for a little while, i told her i wouldnt be able to sleep tonight if i didnt know WHY rachel was upset, its something that just bugs me for some reason and is why i threw up.

Rachel said she didnt want to talk to me, she was too angry.

she didn't even care about me

she didn't CARE that I was throwing up, that I can't sleep under these conditions and that I'm a very sensitive person


what am i supposed to do? what can i do? how can i live like this?

don't fucking tell me to "deal with it" or "it happens" or "there is nothing you can do"

if you tell me any of those things its just going to piss me off because

1. This is not something i can control, i cant just "deal with it" when the situation is endangering my health (high blood pressure / vomiting)

2. Things dont just fucking happen, everything has a reason


My main point here is that i want to know WHY she is upset
WHY wont she tell me

just why

is it really that hard of a concept?

why do I have to be in love with a girl that is part of such a dysfunctional family?

her mother left her grandmas when she was 18 because her grandma was being a bitch to her mother.

her mother does not want heather to leave, but she doesn't understand that what she is doing is just pushing her further away

and my mother has tried to explain that, but if anything its made her worse.

Why doesn't she seem to care at all about me?

Monday, January 23, 2012

How my life has changed, oh so much.

A few months ago I got the urge (more like a push), to find a job. So I started applying, not that I wanted to. What I WANTED was to sit at my computer and make applications for computers. I WANTED that to lead to something, to open up some sort of door that would throw me into a life that I would enjoy on a daily basis, and who knows, maybe it would have.

So I started applying to different places, mostly temp services, and I got a job, quite quickly actually, to work at a local factory.

The weekend after that I got to spend some time with someone I had not really spoken with in at least a couple of years, it brought me joy to see the girl that I have loved for so long again, and to spend hours with her.

My job went well, especially after spending time with her, though not alone at that time.

The following weekend I got to see her again, and this time I got a few minutes alone with her, and I told her that I liked her, well, that I STILL liked her. She kind of smiled and said she knew I did.

That brought out a few different emotions inside of me, the first was joy and happiness at being able to tell her how I felt, the next was an aching or a longing to be with her, to share my life and joy WITH her. I had to have her in my life, no matter what the cost.

I didn't know how. How do you get at someone that you never see? Someone you never get a chance to talk to, but whom you love so much?

Later that day I got her email address, it wasn't much, but it was a way for me to communicate with her, without anyone else knowing. At this stage I couldn't just come right out and announce my feelings for her without (at least i thought) some people being upset about it.

I waited, trying to find the perfect words to say to her, trying to decide how to tell her that I love her, that I would do anything to be with her. I decided that there were no perfect words that would describe the affection that i had, no way to show her the depths of my feelings. So I sent a message that I wrote in much the same way that im writing this blog, without thought, from emotions into text.

I waited, just as I had for years before that day, for any sort of response.

A couple of days later I emailed her again, I was not even sure if I had the right address, but I was not going to give up.

She eventually emailed me back, being very careful not to mention the emails that I had sent her, at first I thought that I had lost, that I was not going to get to be with her after all, or that somehow I had screwed up in my message to her.

We talked back and forth in the emails, about a lot of different things.

Im skipping a little but here, so as not to tell the people reading this *everything* that happened, because some of it would be controversial, given the situation.


We went on our first date the friday before thanksgiving 2011, and it was quite nice, it didn't go perfectly according to the plan that I had, it went better, and we became officially "together" the next day.

and now, about 2 months later I can say that i'm the happiest that I have been in years, I have a good job and the woman of my dreams, quite literally actually.

I dont care at this point if the people that I dont want to read this find it and read it.

I love her, and I have loved her for a long time.

Many years ago, when we were both a lot younger we talked about a lot of things, and we even at one point considered ourselves to be more than just friends, we talked about the future and what we wanted to do.

I told her that I liked her, and that I would wait until she was ready to be with her. I meant that with the deepest parts of my heart and soul.

I waited, for years, to be with her, and I would have waited twice as long if I had to.

People always asked me why I didn't ever go out with anyone in serious relationships, I would always tell them it was complicated, they would all look at me weird and make jokes, I didn't care.

Though, I do feel bad now, looking back on the years between now and then, I did have a couple of girlfriends, they left me, my first "real" girlfriend was... odd, I liked her but not really all that much, I was with her before I met the woman of my dreams.

My second was after, she was nice, she was active, but my heart was already set in stone, I feel bad that I even accepted her offer to be her boyfriend, now that I look back, because there was no chance of us being together for very long.

My third and final girlfriend before now, I think she liked me a lot, she smiled when she saw me, laughed at my jokes, liked being around me. But once again, there was no chance of us being together, and it does pain me that I hurt her. I feel like I tricked her, like I lied.

I don't like that.

I said that when I write like this its emotions going straight into words, and thats true, im actually crying right now, thinking of hurting her. To be honest, I liked her and she was nice, but I was not attracted to her, and I did not love her.

I could not love anyone but Heather.

Love may be a strong word, and I've been told that I should not take our relationship too fast, but what is too fast when you've been waiting for upwards of 5 years? Whats too fast when you cant think of anything but her?

What are you supposed to do, when the only person that you have ever loved, the only person that you have ever cared about enough that you would literally do anything for them is staring you right in the face, saying she loves you as much, if not MORE then you love her, and people tell you you cant have her yet, that you have to take it slow?

I would write some more stuff here, saying how much I love Heather, expressing the extent of the joy that I feel when im around her, or the miles I would go to make her happy, but alas, this blog IS linked to my name, and as such can be found by her family.

I love Heather, and I want to be with her the rest of my life.

if you dont like that, then believe and think whatever you want.

You can't choose who you love, you can only choose to pursue love, or ignore it.
I can't ignore my heart anymore, I cant ignore the tightness in my chest when someone tells me I might someday lose her.
I can not ignore her.

When she looks at me and holds back a smile because she doesn't want me to know she likes it when I tease her, that, to me, is the greatest point in my day, the days that I get to see her anyway.

God I cant wait until 3/15/2013

The day I can finally make her mine, forever.

I Love you Heather N. H.
And I always will.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

First C# post

Want me to be honest? I have no clue if this blog setup will work with the coding i'm going to be doing, hell, i don't even think they have code tags, so ill prolly use the quotes :P

Ok, so C#, Its one of the easier to learn languages, it follows a pretty simple pattern. One of the harder things to learn about c# is Object Oriented Programming. Its somewhat hard to explain, but lets say you have a Mixed case of soda. And each can of soda is of a different Brand and Flavor. In c# and other object oriented languages, you can make what are called "objects", an object being a reference to anything. In this case the cans of soda. so the object is the box that the sodas are in. An object holds different variables (settings) that can be set for each instance (an instance is, in this case, 1, specific, can of soda).

So far we have A Box, and 12 cans inside that box.
The box represents the object, and the cans represent specific instances of that object.

Inside the object for the cans (each instance) has settings that can be independent from all the other cans. For this analogy were going to give each can two settings, A brand, and a Flavor.

Our analogy now looks something like this:
  • Box
    • Can1
      • Brand
      • Flavor
    • Can2
      • Brand
      • Flavor
    • Etc
So you can see how each can has its own settings. In c# we can access these settings very easily. Assuming that all your names are the same as what we have here, you could simple use Can1.Brand or Can1.Flavor to get the setting that you need for a specific can.

The code is almost just as easy, one way to do it would be to make a list (more on that later) of the cans in the "box", and the code to get the "brand" of the first "can" (Cans is the lists the cans)


That would give you the brand of the first can in the list. Really, its that easy (That's just accessing the variables, the coding of the Objects itself isn't too hard, nor is actually making the instances.)

You will find that the "hard" part of coding comes in managing large projects, and making everything in a large project work nicely together. Most programmers would agree that the absolute worst thing that can happen while programming (often worse then losing 2-3 hours of code due to a crash or something) is getting an obscure bug that cripples your code. But that cant be replicated 100% of the time. It can take a long time to find something as small as a single character typo (an x to a y for example)

Anyone whom read both of my first posts will realize that i didn't follow suit and write a hello-world tutorial. I thought it was more beneficial if i wrote something to help people grasp the concept of object oriented programming first, though I'm not sure how well I did, I would hope not too bad for a first try.

My Blog

I wanted to make my blog, not as a blog of my life and actions (though there may be some of that in here) but about Programming, specifically a blend of Html PHP C# and XNA (also c#)

This first blog post i wanted to be about me, for two reasons:
  • 1. I'm not really really good at expressing my thoughts (of any kind) in any form. Such as over the internet, its not that i don't want to, I just don't generally know how to express my thoughts into an understandable form.
  • 2. I thought it would be nice to start off with a little intro about myself.

I wanted to tell any one that reads this that i may ramble about meaningless things from time to time, I do that a lot. Just ask my friends :P

I love to program, in general, i have a few specific projects im currently working on, My main project is my Minecraft Classic server (StormCom), and the secondary project is a Map Editor for WFTO (War for the Overworld ~name subject to change)

But i thought that I might be able to do more good to the community in general if i shared my knowledge of programming, and the concepts behind the different languages. Don't get me wrong, I dont claim to be an expert, and there are a great number of things that i haven't even begun to understand. But i do think that i'm a decent programmer.

I can't learn very easily from tutorials that other people write, I don't know if it's just me or what, but i find that I have to learn things on my own, through trial and error, usually. And i think its because the tutorials that are out there assume that you already know the basics, like how to load an object, or create a list. When it could be your first time ever touching code. Often enough I get frustrated and stop trying to learn a specific topic if no one has gone back to the basics and attempted to explain every detail of what they did in a way that i could understand. Thats what im going to try and do in this Blog, assuming that i can keep up the motivation to continue posting here.

I also dislike tutorials that take up 10 minutes of your time to explain to you WHAT something like C# is, when all you REALLY want to know is how to make some sweet ass form for a program, or draw some 2d sprites in XNA, If you want to know who made C# or when or why, your in the wrong place, thats not why im here.

Without further ado, Ill call this post quits, and maybe start writing up the basic tutorial for C#, a simple Hello world program that we will work into a simple form application, and from there, perhaps a file-editor, or simple chat program, who knows, certainly not me, at least, not yet.

If someone reading these blogs would like to specify a specific topic for me to explain, even if its WAY off course of what were working on at the time, then by all means, let me know, and ill see what i can do :D