Monday, January 23, 2012

How my life has changed, oh so much.

A few months ago I got the urge (more like a push), to find a job. So I started applying, not that I wanted to. What I WANTED was to sit at my computer and make applications for computers. I WANTED that to lead to something, to open up some sort of door that would throw me into a life that I would enjoy on a daily basis, and who knows, maybe it would have.

So I started applying to different places, mostly temp services, and I got a job, quite quickly actually, to work at a local factory.

The weekend after that I got to spend some time with someone I had not really spoken with in at least a couple of years, it brought me joy to see the girl that I have loved for so long again, and to spend hours with her.

My job went well, especially after spending time with her, though not alone at that time.

The following weekend I got to see her again, and this time I got a few minutes alone with her, and I told her that I liked her, well, that I STILL liked her. She kind of smiled and said she knew I did.

That brought out a few different emotions inside of me, the first was joy and happiness at being able to tell her how I felt, the next was an aching or a longing to be with her, to share my life and joy WITH her. I had to have her in my life, no matter what the cost.

I didn't know how. How do you get at someone that you never see? Someone you never get a chance to talk to, but whom you love so much?

Later that day I got her email address, it wasn't much, but it was a way for me to communicate with her, without anyone else knowing. At this stage I couldn't just come right out and announce my feelings for her without (at least i thought) some people being upset about it.

I waited, trying to find the perfect words to say to her, trying to decide how to tell her that I love her, that I would do anything to be with her. I decided that there were no perfect words that would describe the affection that i had, no way to show her the depths of my feelings. So I sent a message that I wrote in much the same way that im writing this blog, without thought, from emotions into text.

I waited, just as I had for years before that day, for any sort of response.

A couple of days later I emailed her again, I was not even sure if I had the right address, but I was not going to give up.

She eventually emailed me back, being very careful not to mention the emails that I had sent her, at first I thought that I had lost, that I was not going to get to be with her after all, or that somehow I had screwed up in my message to her.

We talked back and forth in the emails, about a lot of different things.

Im skipping a little but here, so as not to tell the people reading this *everything* that happened, because some of it would be controversial, given the situation.


We went on our first date the friday before thanksgiving 2011, and it was quite nice, it didn't go perfectly according to the plan that I had, it went better, and we became officially "together" the next day.

and now, about 2 months later I can say that i'm the happiest that I have been in years, I have a good job and the woman of my dreams, quite literally actually.

I dont care at this point if the people that I dont want to read this find it and read it.

I love her, and I have loved her for a long time.

Many years ago, when we were both a lot younger we talked about a lot of things, and we even at one point considered ourselves to be more than just friends, we talked about the future and what we wanted to do.

I told her that I liked her, and that I would wait until she was ready to be with her. I meant that with the deepest parts of my heart and soul.

I waited, for years, to be with her, and I would have waited twice as long if I had to.

People always asked me why I didn't ever go out with anyone in serious relationships, I would always tell them it was complicated, they would all look at me weird and make jokes, I didn't care.

Though, I do feel bad now, looking back on the years between now and then, I did have a couple of girlfriends, they left me, my first "real" girlfriend was... odd, I liked her but not really all that much, I was with her before I met the woman of my dreams.

My second was after, she was nice, she was active, but my heart was already set in stone, I feel bad that I even accepted her offer to be her boyfriend, now that I look back, because there was no chance of us being together for very long.

My third and final girlfriend before now, I think she liked me a lot, she smiled when she saw me, laughed at my jokes, liked being around me. But once again, there was no chance of us being together, and it does pain me that I hurt her. I feel like I tricked her, like I lied.

I don't like that.

I said that when I write like this its emotions going straight into words, and thats true, im actually crying right now, thinking of hurting her. To be honest, I liked her and she was nice, but I was not attracted to her, and I did not love her.

I could not love anyone but Heather.

Love may be a strong word, and I've been told that I should not take our relationship too fast, but what is too fast when you've been waiting for upwards of 5 years? Whats too fast when you cant think of anything but her?

What are you supposed to do, when the only person that you have ever loved, the only person that you have ever cared about enough that you would literally do anything for them is staring you right in the face, saying she loves you as much, if not MORE then you love her, and people tell you you cant have her yet, that you have to take it slow?

I would write some more stuff here, saying how much I love Heather, expressing the extent of the joy that I feel when im around her, or the miles I would go to make her happy, but alas, this blog IS linked to my name, and as such can be found by her family.

I love Heather, and I want to be with her the rest of my life.

if you dont like that, then believe and think whatever you want.

You can't choose who you love, you can only choose to pursue love, or ignore it.
I can't ignore my heart anymore, I cant ignore the tightness in my chest when someone tells me I might someday lose her.
I can not ignore her.

When she looks at me and holds back a smile because she doesn't want me to know she likes it when I tease her, that, to me, is the greatest point in my day, the days that I get to see her anyway.

God I cant wait until 3/15/2013

The day I can finally make her mine, forever.

I Love you Heather N. H.
And I always will.

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