Sunday, May 27, 2012

What am i supposed to do?

My life

to start, it's likely not that much different than yours, im an average guy working in an average job and i have an average girlfriend.

Sometimes weeks pass and nothing really special happens, they just fly by without any attention given to them. I guess thats what happens when you work a factory job.

Other times, the weeks pass by so slowly and so excruciatingly that I can hardly stand them.


Today is one of THOSE days, the days where I don't want to go on in my life as it is, a day when I want to just stop everything im doing and give up. I know i wont, mostly because i cant, but it doesn't stop me from *really* wanting to.

I've never been suicidal, i wouldn't even dream of it, I have too many people in my life that love me, but its more than that.

I love them, I could not hurt them in that way, ever. and thats not why im making this post anyway, im making this post to let loose the fear, nervousness, anger, frustration, pain and other emotions that I have right now.

Let me put things into perspective, at this point I couldn't give a shit less what other people thing about me.

I am currently 21 years old, my girlfriend is 17

If you think thats wrong, wait until you hear this.

I met my girlfriend when i was about 13 (making her 9)

You know that thing they call love at first sight? well, I had it, even if I didn't know back then, it grew from there over the years as our parent were together almost all the time, meaning that her and her brother were over at our house for babysitting.

We played and we talked, the 4 of us (my little brother, her little brother, her and I).

6 or so months ago I decided I would talk to her about my love for her, and I did. To my surprise she had remembered that I liked her from so long ago, she said she still liked me too.

I had planned on just talking to her, in emails, until she was 18, then I was going to date her if she still wanted to, but she had bigger plans, she asked her mom if it was ok.

Her mom said yes, she said YES to her 16 year old going out with a 20 year old, I was insanely happy, my life was looking up.

I had just gotten a new job, now I had a new girlfriend and my car was being fixed, what else could I want? thats easy, nothing, I was content as I was.

Let me stop here for a moment and tell you this, I thank her mom, this has to be the happiest point up till now in my entire life, the love of my life (for 7 years) was now my girlfriend and there was nothing in the world that could make me happier.

I thank her mom, for allowing me to have that joy.

As time went on i started to learn thing, bad things about the way her family worked, some of it was normal, some of it made me sick, and some of it made me angry.

that continued (and still continues) to today, I won't list any of those things here, but just understand that when I talk about them I get so upset that I really want to hit something.

This brings me to yesterday and today.

Yesterday my girlfriend and I went out and walked in a local nature center, we had fun, we then proceeded to my fathers house and did our usual routine, relaxing and comforting each other, allowing ourselves to enjoy a mostly stress free environment.

My perfect day, making my girlfriend happy then spending the entire day with her while she is happy.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING makes me happier then seeing her happy.

Then comes today, her mom said she had to be home for her family cook out at 5, which I dont mind, before we were allowed to go anywhere we had to get firewood for the fire from the woods, once again, i didnt mind.

I got there around 11 and we did a few things then we went to get the wood with her little brother, there was not really any wood that was a reasonable size in the area that they are allowed to walk in in the woods...

actually, I should have mentioned this earlier, but ill do it now instead

their mom is a controlling person, she has sheltered her kids for their entire life, going so far as to pull them out of public schools  (and put into home schooling), they arent allowed to go ANYWHERE outside a few houses on their street, my moms house and the library, basically no communication with other kids (especially not heather, she knows very few people her age, the ones she does know she met at summer camp) you want to know why? I know why, and as much as i WISH i could tell you I wont, because i promised my girlfriend i would not tell anyone. sorry.

anyway, she wont let them go anywhere on their own (my 17 year old girlfriend is treated like a 12 year old, literally)

so back to the main point, in the area we were allowed to go there were twigs and long ass logs, we gathered up as much of the twigs as we could and took them up, her mother complained that they were not big enough and she was right, so I asked if i could borrow an axe to cut up the wood that was down there and bring it up in the cart.

the BITCH said no, we have to DRAG them up a 45* slope for 30 feet to get them up to the backyard so they can cut them up there.

I said ok, and went to get my gloves out of my car, I was unhappy but not to the point where i was angry or anything, more like "wtf?"

when i got back her mother said "forget it" and something about us whining and complaining so we may as well not do it.

BY THE WAY her mother and her aunt later tried to drag them up the hill and ended up resorting to bringing the chainsaw down to cut them up, but she STILL complained later that we wouldn't drag them up.

So, at this point its a bad day, but not *too* bad, we were able to go to my mothers till 4:30 and came back for the cook out, not a lot took place there, afterward my mother made a suggestion that ruined some plans we had, but it wasnt a big deal because she didnt know we had them.

When her mother and my mother got back from going wherever the hell it is they went, Her mother started talking about what were going to do the next day (note this is a holiday AND the kids are HOME SCHOOLED).

she said that they were going to treat the day like a school day and that heather had to be home by 4 (she works 11:30 to 2), i immediately started to get upset, and rather then stay there and cry i immediately said my goodbyes and left, heather later got in trouble for stupid shit and got her only source of communication with me taken away.

I later found out that me not wanting to cry there somehow pissed her mother off even more and she said that i have to leave by 5

She knows that when she does stupid shit it makes me cry.

I've thrown up 4 times since i got home an hour and a half ago.

I cant live with this stress, I cant handle the pain that her mother seems to purposely put me through.

but I cant leave heather

im torn so thin from this stress and other stress that I don't know what I can do.

After I got home today I called heather up (on the house phone since heather lost her communication device) and talked for a little while, i told her i wouldnt be able to sleep tonight if i didnt know WHY rachel was upset, its something that just bugs me for some reason and is why i threw up.

Rachel said she didnt want to talk to me, she was too angry.

she didn't even care about me

she didn't CARE that I was throwing up, that I can't sleep under these conditions and that I'm a very sensitive person


what am i supposed to do? what can i do? how can i live like this?

don't fucking tell me to "deal with it" or "it happens" or "there is nothing you can do"

if you tell me any of those things its just going to piss me off because

1. This is not something i can control, i cant just "deal with it" when the situation is endangering my health (high blood pressure / vomiting)

2. Things dont just fucking happen, everything has a reason


My main point here is that i want to know WHY she is upset
WHY wont she tell me

just why

is it really that hard of a concept?

why do I have to be in love with a girl that is part of such a dysfunctional family?

her mother left her grandmas when she was 18 because her grandma was being a bitch to her mother.

her mother does not want heather to leave, but she doesn't understand that what she is doing is just pushing her further away

and my mother has tried to explain that, but if anything its made her worse.

Why doesn't she seem to care at all about me?

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